A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize