I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
