brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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