my being single is dangerous.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
