Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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