I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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