Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
