I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
