My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
