K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize