i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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