I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
