Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
