its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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