I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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