Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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