Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
