Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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