You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
