Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
