last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
