His hands were made for my vagina.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
