I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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