Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
