you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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