I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
