Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
