Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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