Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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