Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
