There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize