Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
