ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
