if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
