I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
