i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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