You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
