I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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