I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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