i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
