there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
