we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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