I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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