highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize