so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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