Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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