You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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