she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Randomize