He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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