well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize