So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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