Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
