so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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