I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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