Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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