Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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