Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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