I need to stop coming to work sober
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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