shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
